someday everything ends
can we begin finding our way back
before it’s too late
and lost in between, the truth and the dreams,
i’ve never been more ready to move on.
cut out for it
the dogs have taken over my bed. which is fine. it’s not like i’ll be sleeping any time soon anyway.
today, shook me. which is saying something, because it takes a lot to shake me up. so congrats on that november 29th, 2011. a couple days ago i was going to blog about how no one was awake late at night. that fact is never more apparent than it is today.
for roughly the past 2 years i have worked in hotels. it’s the field i studied in college, it’s the major i got my degree in, it’s what i thought i wanted to do. most of the time. there were days when i listened to my professors and wondered,
am i cut out for this? do i even WANT to be? but then i got in to it. my first hotel was as simple as could be. we had rooms. we had breakfast. we had phones, we had an outdoor pool that was only open during the summer (for obvious reasons) and we had me. it was simple, they took advantage of my willingness to work, but it worked. i would have considered staying, but minimum wage and no real future didn’t seem like what i had been working toward with my degree. i wanted the whole shebang, but at the same time i still wondered in the back of my mind am i cut out for this, do i even want to be?
so i left. that was it. i went home, found a job and settled in. even early in, i had my doubts. we had these students, at our hotel, and they were awful. but then, things got better. i started getting more responsibility, started dating a girl i worked with, and then it got to be wintertime. the boss that had hired me had left. jumped ship for greener pastures, and her job was open. i something happend and then i think i AM cut out for this. i do WANT it. the next months saw a boost in my confidence. a boost in my self assurance.
then, as soon as that came, it was de-railed. new people were hired, and i again questioned it. am i cut out for this?
cut back to today. it takes quite a bit to shake me. takes quite a bit to knock me down. takes quite a bit to rattle me. but today, today did. today, for the third time in the year and a half i’ve been at my current hotel, someone threatened to kill themselves. i’ve been around for two other instances, but for some reason, neither of them hit me the way this one did. the only reason i can think of that it shook me so much more is that this wasn’t some stranger i’d never met. this wasn’t someone who was nothing more than a room number. this gentleman had been in our hotel for a week and a couple days. i’d spoken with him, met him, and to an extent, knew him. i’d spoken with him earlier in the night even.
what the HELL dude!? we held your keyboard. you were in our bar! you’ve been our guest for like a week and half!
whether or not he had ever actually intended to do it, it was still enough to rattle me. and that voice of doubt in my mind began to shout a little louder - i don’t know if i am cut out for this.
it’s hard to answer phones when one of the last phone calls you took was someone threatening suicide. it’s hard think about going to work when all you can think about is what’s going to possibly go wrong next. it’s hard to silence that voice that says you’re not cut out for this! when the only other noise is fingers on the keyboard, and your computer trying to explode. it’s hard to think that there are people who don’t want to live when you can’t think of doing anything but living.
so maybe i’m not cut out for this. maybe what i studied wasn’t what i should’ve. maybe i’ll wake up tomorrow (although it’s technically today) and this won’t bother me.
maybe i’ll wake up and feel less sure of myself than i do now.
maybe, it just doesn’t matter. i’m young, stupid, irresponsible, and i’ve got many years in front of me to be all of those things (god willing). i’m not locked down. and even if i’m not cut out for this. i’ll find my way. one way or another.
Get G-G the book.
Aaaaaaaand this is my life tonight. Teensie bit less boring than last
moments of truth. (jto-30)
i haven’t updated for a while. i hit 12 and kind of gave up. but then something happened and i decided that rather than quit and probably lose all the progress i had made, i should press on. perhaps in a different direction. whereas phase one of this plan was walking and careful calorie monitoring, the second phase is intense cardio workouts and less careful calorie monitoring. i was really glad to realize that i hadn’t cancelled my gym membership a few months back when i had seriously considered it. (at that point it had been like 4 months since i used it) i’m back to going. i go as often as is reasonable. i feel great when i go. i don’t feel so great when i don’t go.
tomorrow will be a moment of truth. i’m going to weigh in at my parent’s house. hopefully what i see encourages me. (although i’d be surprised if it didn’t)
journey to -30: the 12 lb wall
there’s a phenomenon that has occurred. my friend rachel (the one who inspired me to start this whole journey to 30 business) and I coined the term, the 12 pound wall. It’s the wall you hit once you’ve lost 12 lbs and don’t have the motivation
I’m going to start using sadical
(Source: crimesagainsthughsmanatees)
journey to -30 update.
1/3rd of the way there. down 10 lbs to 265, in only 5 weeks. not bad if i may say so myself. which i am. and don’t care if you say otherwise.
with the 10lbs down. my daily number goes down. making it more of a challenge. although, if i don’t eat anything else the remainder of the day, i will have stored enough calories to lose a pound and a half, today alone. (thanks to 6 hours of rock moving and heavy yard work)
feeling pretty good.
I fucking died the first time I saw this.
Ditto, Jake.
Probably one of my top 5 moments from that entire series
(Source: aarrrhghghghdjsfgtherage)
Lee Richmond, Worcester Ruby Legs. Pitcher of the first perfect game on June 12, 1880; and, it would seem, a hipster.
I was gonna say, baseball was hip before hipsters were hip.
Old Time Family Baseball: Montero's Boner?
After a strange ending to the Padres - Diamondbacks game, with Lyle Overbay of all people drawing the walkoff walk, it has a fittingly strange controversy. After the Diamondbacks ran on the field to celebrate Overbay’s plate vision, Bud Black and the Padre coaches began yelling and pointing to…
Why so much dback hate tonight old time family baseball? Why so much hate?
We Wont Rest: I love how fast everyone turns on the players.
Bard has been great for us all year. He’s had some tough outings, sure. Let’s not mention that Darnell got in the way of Jacoby, who probably could have made that catch, and then didn’t back him up properly… Which led to Jennings getting to 3rd to begin with.
I’m disappointed in the Fenway…
Always stick with your team.
Why I miss watching dbacks baseball
- Darren Sutton: can we get Roberts a skateboard? He looks like he needs a skateboard.
- Mark Grace: he looks like the
- X-Games
- Darren: very well said
- Me: no, not very well said. At all
Welcome to the Show
Jordan Pacheco greets teammates in the dugout before his first Major League game, Tuesday, Aug. 6, 2011.
(AP Photo/Barry Gutierrez)
Oh I Remember Pacheco when he was a lobo
George: What is Holland?
Jerry (also wearing a moustache): What do you mean, ‘what is it?’ It’s a country right next to Belgium.
George: No, that’s the Netherlands.
Jerry: Holland *is* the Netherlands.
George: Then who are the Dutch?
Jerry (picking at his moustache): You know I cannot stand this thing anymore.
George: I know, I hate it too. I feel like an out of work porn star.
Jerry: I told you, we should have taken some kind of vacation.
George: Well why didn’t we?
Jerry: Because you said this would be better. Remember? A vacation from ourselves. That’s what you said.
George: What if we grew muttonchops?
Jerry: No.
George: Buzz cuts? Parachute pants!
Jerry: Stop it, George. Stop it. I’m sorry, you’ve gotta get a job.
George(resigned): Dammit.(via The Butter Shave)
One of my favorite discussions in the entire series
(via dailyseinfeld)
